When you really think about it – Fairness is inherently a victim thought. That is to say, that there can be no lack of fairness, without a victim.
Sometimes it is the victim who points out the lack of fairness, in the form of a complaint. “This is not fair”, “That is not fair” without completing the sentence in a way that would reveal the underlying victim thought. A more complete way to say this would be “This is not fair-TO ME” or “That is not fair-TO ME”, and so by finishing the thought, we reveal the victim.
Sometimes it is another who points out the lack of fairness by indicating in some way that this or that is not fair TO ANOTHER, and this is also a dramatic thought because it implies that the person who it is not fair to, is in fact being victimized in some way. Say for example that the father of two children walks in and proclaims that his Son can have Ice Cream, while his daughter cannot – with no reason whatsoever. This is a great example because it lets us look at the situation and ask;
- Is this fair?
- Who is the victim?
- Does it matter if its ice cream or something else?
- What if its Liver (which I personally hate)
- Who is the victim if its liver?
- What if it’s a spanking instead?
- What if his children are 37 and 42 years old respectively?
If you follow this chain, you will probably conclude that this is all very subjective, and depends entirely on our perspective.
What if the daughter hates ice cream (or liver) and when the announcement is made she feels joy?
- Is there a victim?
- Without the victim, is there fairness?
- To point out that something is not fair to another can be seen as rescue …
- To create a lack of fairness between two others can be seen as persecutor…
Another name for the Drama Triangle is the Three faces of Victim… So whomever identifies the lack of fairness, might just be experiencing drama.
One person I spoke with, said that he never really experienced a feeling of “that’s not fair”, but instead always saw it as a learning opportunity. He would see the result that he wanted, and would go about making sure that the next time the same circumstances came up, that he would be in the position that he wanted to be in . Seen this way, does fairness exist?
Other than as a construct in our minds, does fairness truly exist?
There may be many arguments for this question, and they may hold weight that has not been identified. I acknowledge that completely without entering into a discussion on it – but for the purpose of this posting, I believe that the following questions are the best place for us to start, at least for ourselves;
- How can identifying fairness serve me?
- What does identifying fairness cost me?
- What other choices do I have, or what other point of view is available to me?
- Which of these choices will serve me best?
Once we place ourselves in the position of power, and acknowledge that we have the power to create change in our own lives, the victim is removed, and the drama fades away.
In the end its our call, each and every one of us, each and every time.
One Response to Some additional thoughts on fairness